I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
