Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
