We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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