Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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