The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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