Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
