good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
