3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
