I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
