God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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