she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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