Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
