I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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