I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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