textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
