You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
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Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
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Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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