i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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