Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
