I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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