I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
