There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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