So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
