i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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