i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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