Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
