i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
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And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
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She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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