i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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