you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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