i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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