The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I didn't notice because vodka
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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