you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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