I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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