you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
