i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
