I wish I could punch you in the face.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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