oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
