i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
