dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
