okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
