Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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