some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
