My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
