two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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