It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
