I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
