Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
