Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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