also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
