a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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