the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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