she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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