hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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