just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
