I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
