i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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