my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
