I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
