I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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