Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
