i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
