Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
