he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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