i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so that wasnt chicken after all
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
