Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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